


I'll Always Try to Fix You

by faymarie



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Bisexual Josh Dun, Gay Tyler Joseph, Josh Dun & Tyler Joseph Friendship, Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph One Shot, M/M, gayromance, joshler - Freeform, twentyonepilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 14:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15709509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faymarie/pseuds/faymarie
Summary: Mental illness is hard to uncover. So are romantic feelings between two best friends.Trigger Warning: discussions of self harm and suicide





	I'll Always Try to Fix You

Tyler Joseph woke up to the smell of coffee in his dorm room. He slowly got out of bed, knowing Josh was about to use all the hazelnut creamer.  
"Morning, princess," Josh, the boy Tyler knew since fifth grade, greeted him. Tyler grumbled a response as he went for the box of Lucky Charms. He decided coffee alone was better. He felt a dull ache behind his eyes. Figuring it was because he spent too much time completing online work, he pulled a mug out of their cabinet.  
"You don't feel like using my Cat Mom cup?" Josh asked from the kitchen table.  
"Piss off," Tyler stated bluntly. "We are running out of creamer. I wonder why."  
"I'm making a grocery run after class," Josh told him.  
slightly embarrassing dreams he was having all week. They involved his best friend who was sitting at the table across from his gliding his fingers as he played Candy Crush on his Iphone. Some dreams were more explicit than others, but he would push them to the back of his mind. However, the ones involving kissing were more pleasant and left Tyler feeling light and bubbly.  
It was stupid, really.  
Tyler had his share of girlfriends through the years. His family was religious, so he avoided or suppressed anything to do with boys. He secretly enjoyed the Wolverine movies because Hugh Jackman being shirtless most of the time appealed to him. He never told anyone, not even Josh. Tyler knew people could be bisexual, but didn't have anyone to talk to.  
An alarm went off on Tyler's phone as he finished the last of his coffee. He got up to get dressed for the school day, throwing on his favorite back hoodie before they left the dorm. He pulled his hood up, signaling he wanted to be left alone. Josh drove them to class, making little conversation on the way.  
"I'm stealing your water," Tyler broke the silence as they parked. It wasn't unusual for them to share stuff. He grabbed Josh's overpriced Fiji water and took a sip while swallowing some Tylenol.  
"And I'm stealing your math notes," Josh replied as he carried his friend's belongings. They walked side by side to their first morning class, World Civilizations. Josh's arm slightly brushed against Tyler's as they walked...and it was enjoyable. Tyler tried really hard not to romanticize his best friend, but it started becoming a habit since their freshman year of high school. Tyler knew he was screwed when his fourteen year old self had fantasies about Josh. He managed to live with them through girlfriends and the rest of high school.  
Tyler's headache intensified the moment he sat down. Josh plopped down beside him and greeted other friends and class mates they graduated high school with. Tyler kept his hood up and rested his head on the desk until the professor greeted the class. His head pounding with every word, he felt himself zoning in and out. The class was two hours long and the class buzzing with discussion made the pain unbearable. He couldn't take notes, because his vision was blurring.  
"Josh," Tyler said out loud. "I can't see anything."  
"Huh?" his friend answered.  
"Everything is white and blurry. I can't even see my notes," Tyler told him. Josh quickly got the professor's attention, explaining his friend's severe migraine. Tyler felt someone grad his forearm.  
"Come on, I'm taking you to the dorm," he heard Josh's voice say. Josh packed up his friend's things and helped Tyler stand up. He was shaking all over from pain and the color had drained from his face. Josh linked his arms with Tyler's and guided him slowly out of class. The walk to the car seemed slow and painful, but feeling Josh's body heat gave him something to focus on.  
In the rare, unbearable moment, he needed Josh.  
Tyler heard Josh open the passenger door, and silently prayed his friend wasn't going to leave his side.  
"Duck down a little," Josh said softly. Tyler put his head down, grazing the top of the car. He felt around for the seat and sat down. He didn't think his pain could intensify any more. Josh leaned over Tyler to buckle his seat belt. Tyler could feel his head pound to the beat of his heart at the other boy's closeness. He heard a click and then the door shut. Josh threw their stuff in the back seat before getting in the car.  
Tyler felt an intense panic like he was about to pass out even though he was sitting down.  
"Josh!" he almost pleaded. The weak side of him bravely showed itself.  
"It's okay, we are leaving now," Josh reminded him. The drive back to the dorm wasn't fast enough. Josh left their stuff in the back and focused on getting Tyler inside. He was never so grateful to live on the first floor. Tyler was sweating from the awfulness he was feeling. However, Josh moved them as quickly as possible to the inside of the dorm. Josh's bed being the nearest, he allowed Tyler to use it. The familiar scent of his friend calmed the panic welled up in Tyler's chest. Tyler immediately covered his head with the blanket, and passed out.  
***  
Tyler woke up to tapping sounds. His eyes fluttered open to see Josh playing Happy Wheels on his laptop. The boy had no shame in sharing a bed.  
Tyler felt weak, but most of the room was dark which made his head hurt less.  
"Still playing that damn game?" he asked Josh. His voice was low from sleep and dehydration.  
"It's Friday night. Most people are out losing brain cells," Josh answered.  
"This is just Josh Dun's way of doing it," Tyler said dryly.  
"You're feeling better," Josh smirked.  
"Well I didn't die."  
"Lucky you."  
Tyler felt himself slowly move towards Josh, watching him die in the game over and over. Eventually, his chin rested on Josh's shoulder and Josh didn't flinch. Tyler was relieved his friend didn't mind he had gotten himself comfortable being that close.  
"I got your professors to email your notes and stuff," Josh told him. "So you can catch up Sunday night."  
"Thanks," Tyler said softly. "I'm sorry about all of this though."  
"It's nothing you haven't had before. I knew you were going to be okay," Josh answered as he clicked out of the game to go to a different site. "I'm ordering pizza, you must be starving."  
"I'm just dead on the inside," Tyler responded dryly. He started taking in the other boy's features. The computer light illuminated Josh's handsome face and defined his arm muscles. Tyler's eyes wondered to his strong hands and noticed red marks on his wrist. It was a place his watch or sleeves covered, but Tyler dismissed it as scratches from his sister's cat. Josh was the strong friend.  
The subject reminded him of a project he had for a class. It was due in the middle of the following week and Tyler had let the professor know of the extreme content of it. Once he had gotten the okay, he had searched his things for the journal that contained what his project was about.  
"I have something due on Wednesday. Did you buy more creamer?" Tyler asked.  
"Yes," Josh answered as he placed their food order. "I don't mind you laying in my bed, but if you get crumbs in my sheets I will kill you."  
"It's nice knowing you enjoy me being in your bed," Tyler looked up at his friend. He was surprised by his own bold statement. He swore he saw Josh's face grow pink.  
"Get away from me."  
***  
Tyler had reluctantly moved back to his own bed. The one that felt empty and sometimes uninviting. He liked Josh's bed better than his own. It was close to noon and Josh had already left to do something with his college art class. It was rare for the two friends to be away from each other. They had made jokes about their separation anxiety.  
Tyler got up to start coffee only to find Josh had set the timer for the machine to start on its own. It was almost completely accurate, since it started as soon as Tyler walked into the kitchen. Some days he wondered why Josh had stuck around so long and agreed to be room mates with him. Maybe he was worried about Tyler living alone. Given his past of joking about suicide, Tyler was known for being serious about death. It was too close for comfort. Tyler had reached out to his mom at seventeen years old. He wanted to die.  
His mom told him not to be stupid and that suicide is never in "God's plan." However, her voice still quivered when he told her he chose a college in a different state. She cared, but she didn't understand. She didn't know what resources were out there to help. To her, God and not medicine were the answer. There was still a part of the situation that left her hopeless.  
He slipped into the shower while thinking about the night he told Josh about his mom's reaction. It was the first time Josh had heard about his darker thoughts. He took them without judgement in his bedroom. The door was shut for privacy.  
"Dude, you should see someone about that," Josh told him. Sincerity was written all over his face. It was more reaction and emotion than his mother's. Tyler shook his head as a sign of protest and to stop the tears welling in his eyes. "You're turning eighteen in a few days. There is a clinic that will see you for a cheap price. I'll go with you," Josh added.  
"Okay," was all Tyler could get out as emotions flooded him. He mumbled an "I'm sorry" while turning towards the door. He was stopped by Josh's firm hand on his shoulder.  
"Stay the night with me," Josh offered.  
The shower stopped and Tyler got dressed. His old journal was waiting for him on his bed. After coffee, he skimmed the pages until he found the old suicide note. He had written it just for morbid fun, but he wanted to illuminate the topic of mental health. It was something strangely dear to his heart. Something that plagued him even though it was under control because of a pill bottle.  
He had to write a song for his music class. The point was it to be something with a message; something that stood out. It was why Tyler had chosen the secret in his old journal. As he read the note over maybe five times, he decided spoken word would be an interesting take. He just needed the music. A few sips of coffee later and he had notes wrote down on paper about the tune he wanted. Music was something that came naturally to him, so it didn't take long for him to have an idea to play with later. Tyler thoughtlessly left his notebook on the bedside table. Josh wasn't expected back until later that night, giving Tyler time to run for groceries. He borrowed Josh's car, since the art class had car pooled.  
The drive was quiet without his friend's company. Tyler didn't always like to be stuck inside his own head. Josh grounded him. Then, his mind wondered to Josh and how close they were the previous night. His friend's body heat calmed Tyler's soreness. It wasn't romantic, but there was a part of his mind that he tried to block out how he wanted it to be. He wouldn't allow his thoughts to romanticize his best friend. Something else that struck him was Josh didn't move. He allowed Tyler to get close and his mind posed many more questions that would plague him before he fell asleep.  
Grocery shopping wasn't so bad. It kept Tyler's mind off things as he focused on what was on sale and what had the better price. As soon as he reached the self checkout line, his phone vibrated.  
Tyler, wtf where are you?  
Tyler was confused about the urgency of the message coming from Josh. His phone went off again.  
Please answer me. Please be okay.  
It dawned on Tyler that Josh might have came home earlier than expected. Tyler inwardly facepalmed. Before he could type a response, Josh messaged him again.  
Tyler...please don't do this to me.  
He finally responded to Josh:  
I'm okay. I was out buying groceries. I'll be back in ten minutes. I'll explain everything. I'm so sorry.  
Then his phone died. Tyler rolled his eyes and quickly finished and paid. He was glad he only had three bags because it would be hard making a second trip with Josh being upset. He almost ran a red light thinking about Josh and wondering why he always thought about Josh.  
When he parked the car, he gave himself a second to collect his thoughts. He grabbed the bags and the keys, moving quickly to the dorm. Tyler didn't know what to expect when he opened the door. Josh was pacing back and forth with his arms folded behind his head. He was obviously disturbed.  
"Hey," Tyler said, dropping the groceries on the ground and shutting the door behind him. Josh's wet eyes flashed towards his friend, relief taking over his face. "Oh my god, Josh, I didn't mean to leave that out. I thought you were going to be out late," Tyler panicked. He was expecting his friend to be angry. Instead, he was enveloped iin an embrace that took his breath away. It only lasted briefly and it took everything inside of Tyler not to pull the other boy back to him.  
"I didn't know what to think. I saw the note and you were gone," Josh wiped his eyes. "I was thinking how am I going to tell your family?" Tyler's heart ripped in two. "How was I going to tell your sister?"  
Tyler boldly put his fingers over Josh's lips, a gentle sign he needed to shut up and listen.  
"I was using it for a class. I'm making a spoken word song out of my old suicide note," Tyler explained. "The professor already knows and said it was okay."  
Josh looked away, running his fingers through his hair. "Spoken word, huh?" he sniffed.  
"Yea, I just wasn't expecting you back," Tyler said again. "I'm -".  
" I need to tell you something," Josh interrupted. He had started pacing again. "You'll probably hate me."  
"Josh, I hate everyone," Tyler tried to joke, "but seriously you can tell me anything." He felt the air subtly change and his gut instinct told him it was going to be something heavy. It was something that was embarrassing to admit, because of what people would say about the ones who did it.  
"I've been having these thoughts, " Josh said with his back turned. "I acted on them Tyler, I gave in."  
Everything fell into place in Tyler's head. Those scratches he saw on Josh's wrists were cuts.  
"It was only one time," Josh added, "but I want to do it again. It makes no sense. My mind won't shut up about how I'm not good enough. Everyone hates me, Tyler."  
Tyler felt his stomach drop as his friend's words hung in the air.  
"Why don't you go to the clinic on campus?" Tyler asked.  
Josh's shoulders slumped over. "Because I'm ashamed," he admitted. "They'll think I just want attention or drugs."  
"I take a low dosage of medicine and it helps," Tyler offered. "We have psychology students you can talk to."  
"I don't want to talk to someone," Josh shut the idea down. Tyler sat down on the bed. His legs were getting weak from the rush of emotions.  
"Whatever you decide to do, I'll be there," Tyler said. "Suffering is a choice. I'll even go with you so the appointment. Just think it over. I can't have you harming yourself."  
"I'll think about it," Josh finally decided. He walked towards the door and picked up the grocery bags with shaky hands. Tyler got up to help him. His hand accidentally covered Josh's and stayed too long. They both must have felt the affection in the moment, because Josh relaxed as Tyler briefly rubbed his thumb against the other boy's knuckles. Tyler felt his face heat up and avoided eye contact while putting the milk away.  
Tyler cleared his throat. "I can...umm...heat up the left over pizza if you want to watch Stranger Things or something."  
"Sure," Josh agreed with his back turned once again. "I'll go shower and throw away the razors. I guess we won't be shaving for a while."  
"Yea...because you're an asshole," Tyler said bluntly, turning on the oven. Josh huffed and walked away giving Tyler enough time to see the smile grace across his lips.  
***  
Tyler woke up with a stiff neck and something heavy on his leg. The two boys had fallen asleep while watching TV. Josh's head rested on his thigh and Tyler's head had laid awkwardly against the head board of his bed. Affection like this wasn't unusual behavior between them, especially since they were alone the majority of the time. However, Tyler's whole body felt stiff and he needed to move.  
"Josh," Tyler said. His voice was scratchy and deep from dozing off. "You better not drool on me." Josh stirred and rolled over on his side. His body heat left a cooling spot on Tyler's pants. Tyler got up slowly, reaching for the remote. He turned he TV off, looked over a Josh, and threw the blanket over the boy's body. Some of it purposefully covered Josh's head. Josh didn't move.  
Tyler tried not to laugh. He walked over to his bed, turning out the lamp beside him. The dark room intensified the coldness of his own bed. Tyler laid on top of his blanket, staring at the ceiling. Josh was now ridiculously snoring.  
Tyler couldn't sleep. His thoughts were flooded with school work and the situation with Josh. He double checked the bathroom earlier to find Josh really had thrown the razors away. A deep ache started to appear in his chest. Tyler had always found himself on the receiving end of mental illness. Helping someone else seemed alien to him. Something inside of him wanted to tell Josh how he truly felt. If Josh had ever told him he wanted to die, Tyler would respond with how much he loved him. He would be devastated without his best friend, and deep inside he wanted to be romantically involved with this beautiful person. Despite what some people thought about two boys in college being in a relationship, Tyler wanted to protect Josh. He wanted to take both of their take on demons back to back in a gun fight, and then kiss Josh after they succeeded. Some days it felt like nothing made sense anymore and some days it felt like an endless loop. Tyler wouldn't get the chance to tell Josh his secret or the moment wouldn't ever be right.  
Eventually, sunlight started streaming into the room. It was the end of the weekend and Tyler still had to catch up from his missed classes on Friday. By the time Josh woke up, Tyler was already on his laptop with his books spread out on the bed.  
"I'll be out with my art class again," Josh broke the silence.  
"Cool, I'll be here doing class work and having an existential crisis," Tyler responded as he typed his notes.  
It felt like forever before Josh left and the dorm was empty. Tyler could barely focus on a quiz. His eyes were growing heavy, but he couldn't afford to sleep all day. He decided to pack his notebooks and walk to the library. He needed the fresh air and space. Tyler surrendered to the vending machines and purchased an egg salad sandwich, plus a diet soda. His brain was surprisingly more aware. Sometimes his thoughts wondered to Josh falling asleep on him. Maybe he should have left his asleep. Part of Tyler longed to just stay in the bed with his friend and curl up to his body.  
Before Tyler knew it, the clock reached 5 p.m. He didn't want Josh to worry again. It had pained him to see his best friend so panicked. A light rain had started to fall, so Tyler pulled his hoodie up as he walked back to the dorm. Part of him hoped Josh was back.  
When he entered the dorm, he was met with the site of Josh sitting on the floor near the kitchen table. His knees were pulled up to his chest. He took in the view of Tyler for a moment before standing up. Tyler put his books down.  
"Everything okay?" Tyler genuinely asked.  
"Yea," Josh responded. "It was too quiet in here. I already have dinner in the oven. I figured you wouldn't mind lasagna." He was fidgety again, pulling the sleeves on his sweat shirt. However, he approached Tyler before he could get settled in. They stood three feet apart from each other.  
"Have you had any more thoughts?" Tyler asked, growing worried. Josh hardly ever came off as needy.  
"I haven't had the ones I told you about. These are different and more persistent." Josh told him. Tyler mentally kicked himself for flushing at their closeness.  
"What about?" Tyler pressed. His heart was now hammering itself against his rib cage. He wondered if Josh could hear it. Or maybe it was the combination of their hearts beating fast. He couldn't tell.  
"How nothing makes sense anymore," Josh said in a hushed tone. He lifted up his hands and pulled down the hood of Tyler's jacket. His hands lingering on the other boy's cheek. Tyler froze, his dark sunken eyes looking back at Josh. His hair was still damp from the rain. To Josh, it was beautiful.  
"You've been drinking," Tyler stated, but didn't shy away from his friend's touch. Josh's lips almost curled into a smile, but it quickly disappeared. There were a lot of ways the situation could turn out.  
"Have I?" Josh said boldly, closing the space between them. Tyler couldn't smell any alcohol on his breath. His whole body and mind became paralyzed.  
"I don't think you..." Tyler was cut off by Josh kissing him. A smile immediately graced Tyler's lips as he responded and kissed him back. He showed Josh how much he had been wanting this to happen.  
The oven timer went off, causing both of them to jump. Tyler laughed, being held in arms length now, he tried not to blush.  
"Dinner is ready," Tyler laughed.  
Eating dinner wasn't as awkward as Tyler thought it would be. It was filled with the usual conversation about school work and daily life.  
"So, what was all that about?" Tyler asked, moving food around on his plate with his fork. "How long have you felt that way? I always thought was one sided." Josh was sitting closer than normal. Their legs touched this time and it was comfortable instead of awkward.  
"Since we were kids, honestly," Josh admitted. "I knew I liked boys too, but you know how our parents were." Tyler's heart skipped a beat, and then warmth filled his chest.  
"Am I the only guy you've kissed?" Tyler asked knowing the amount of girls Josh had dated were numerous.  
Josh hesitated to answer. "No," he said. "There were two others."  
"Two?" Tyler dropped his fork. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
"You never asked," Josh said bluntly. "I knew you wouldn't care, but I was too afraid to say I liked you too. Most days you are the only person I have. I didn't want to ruin that."  
Tyler grabbed his friend's hand. "You wouldn't have." Tyler reassured him. He stood up and carried both their plates to the sink.  
"So what do we do now?" Josh asked from the table.  
"Whatever we want, I guess," Tyler said. "You already know I feel the same way." He walked back to Josh, standing behind him, he kissed the other boy's forehead.  
"Should we take it slow?" Josh asked shyly. He turned around in his seat, straddling it so he could see Tyler. Tyler's face flushed for the hundredth time, knowing how his body reacted naturally to Josh's touch. He didn't have an answer and was too embarrassed to admit intimacy wasn't out of the question. Tyler had dreams before about Josh and had an idea of how different it would be compared to a girl's body.  
Tyler finally put his finger under Josh's chin and gently lifted his face up. Josh was blushing heavily and it was adorable.  
"I say," Tyler nearly whispered, "we just go with whatever happens." He bent his body over and deeply kissed Josh. Josh moved with the kiss and stood up. He had to be careful not to trip over his chair, but he made out passionately with Tyler until they were both left breathless in Josh's bed.  
***  
Tyler woke up once again before sunrise. It took him a moment to process he wasn't alone. Josh was pressed into his bare chest and their arms had ended up wrapped around each other. Tyler rested his head on top of Josh's. He remembered how they had gotten here and nothing warmed his heart more. It was a beautiful experience and somewhere in the back of his mind he wished there was more to come. They somehow knew each other's body well and it was more than Tyler could ever dream of. Just getting to hold his new lover was beautiful in itself.  
Josh stirred, bringing Tyler out of his thoughts.  
"I got attacked by a bear," Josh mumbled, half awake.  
"Huh?" Tyler asked, confused.  
"In my dream," Josh continued. Tyler pressed him as close as possible, planting kisses in his hair. Josh maneuvered and at first Tyler thought he had done something wrong. He found himself being pulled on top of Josh's body. With barely anything between them, Tyler's mind went to the gutter, but he relaxed in the other boy's arms instead. The steady beat of Josh's heart and the heat of his arms around his back put him in heaven.

It was strange having the love of your life right in front of you the whole time.  
***  
THE END


End file.
